Step 1. Go out and get a package of toilet paper... you'll need it.
Step 2. Get the stomach flu. preferably from a loved one... :)
Step 3. Vomit about a gallon of fluid. It's a lot of fun!
Step 4. Immediately following the vomiting, stand up and then sit down because another gallon is coming out of your butt.
Step 5. Drink lots of fluids to keep yourself from dehydrating.
Step 6. Repeat steps 3, 4, & 5 every 30-45 minutes for about 24 hours w/out sleeping
Step 7. Get your temperature up to around 103 degrees.
Step 8. Once your temperature is high, start hallucinating things like
A. you are building machines in your living room to magically make the world a better place
B. there are television crews in your living room wanting to film your epic achievements
C. some evil druglords have found a way to liquify money and they are using your butt as a way to smuggle it in the country AND they are forcing you to poop it out.
C. some evil druglords have found a way to liquify money and they are using your butt as a way to smuggle it in the country AND they are forcing you to poop it out.
D. preferably all of the above.
Step 9. After the the vomiting is over and the temp goes down continue pooping every 20 minutes or so for another 24 hours.
Step 9. After the the vomiting is over and the temp goes down continue pooping every 20 minutes or so for another 24 hours.
Step 10. you've had no sleep go ahead and try to take a little nap! you deserve it!
Step 11. oops! you pooped your pants when you were asleep! i guess your body thought it was a fart! the joke is on you! oh wait... the poop is on you!
Step 12. Take a shower, change your clothes... nobody likes a poopy pants...
Step 13. Go ahead and repeat steps 10, 11, and 12 just for good measure... everyone will love you if you poop your pants twice...
Step 14. Get some sleep...
Step 15. Wake up and feel crappy for the next 24-48 hours and be careful what you eat!
After 6 cans of Sprite, 12 bottles of water, 2 liters of Cherry 7up, 3 Gatorade bottles, 1 ill-advised glass of cola, countless episodes of How I Met Your Mother, the first Season of the Office, Bruce Almighty, Happy Gilmore, Home Alone 1 & 2, a couple episodes of Stargate SG-1, a can of lysol, Pepto bismol, Antidiarrheal medicine, Dayquil, Nyquil, Excedrine Migraine, and 7 rolls of toilet paper... you too can lose 10 pounds!
that's pretty much been the last 4 days of my life...
2 comments:
This is very discouraging as the first of my four children has started throwing up. Gosh I hope they have a mild case of whatever everyone is passing around!
gotta love sharting when you have the flu.
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